Financial infidelity can be more devastating to couples than a sexual affair. In our rocky economy, one-third of all couples are cheating with money and placing their marriage on the rocks. Are you or your partner committing financial infidelity? Do you know how to survive it and create financial intimacy?
To find the answers to these questions, I interviewed Dr. Doug Welpton, a renowned, Harvard-educated psychiatrist and family counselor who has helped thousands of couples improve their relationship with money in the last 40 years.
What is financial infidelity?
“It’s cheating with your family money. It’s hiding your purchases and not telling your spouse about them,” says Dr. Welpton.
He also says that cheating with money can be as devastating as a sexual affair because it causes the same kind of mistrust of your partner. The money you need to pay your mortgage or bills also may be gone–spent by the cheating partner–which threatens the survival of your relationship.
What are the common causes and cure?
Dr. Welpton suggests that couples who don’t talk about money are more likely to cheat with it. Addictions to shopping, gambling, drugs or pricey pleasures can cause a person to cheat with money.
A cure is to start talking about your money mindset and money history while you are dating, including your debts, savings, income, spending habits. Dr. Welpton says it is smart to set rules about spending and saving as a solid foundation for your committed relationship.
Another cure is to identify your addictions. Then enter a 12-step program to deal with your addiction and rebuild trust in your relationship by continuing to talk about money and take responsibility for your spending.
The spouse who overspends needs to surrender their credit cards, keep a check register of their purchases and share it with their partner. Total transparency of your spending is the goal.
What if you’ve never calmly discussed finances with your partner? How do you start?
Dr. Welpton recommends you set up no-cost rewards that instantly follow each conversation you have about money. Rewards might include a back rub, a foot massage, a dance to your favorite song, a walk in nature, etc. As you begin to associate pleasure with your conversations about money, you’ll want to have these important chats more often.
Dr. Welpton also suggests that you avoid being a critic about your partner’s money issues so you don’t set up a power struggle. Instead, adopt a mindset to solve these problems together as a team showing mutual respect.
This is how you make it a win-win situation in the way you handle money matters or any serious issue in your relationship.
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Dedicated to your dating and relationship happiness,
Hadley Finch
